Sunday, February 9, 2014

Still struggling

I wanted to write today about my experience with my "easy way out". First of all, this has been far from being the easy way out. I am regretting my decision to have had this surgery.
Last Thursday I was admitted again into emergency as I had another gall bladder attack. I am feeling so lonely right now. My M. Is amazing and is always there for me, but I feel a little lonely in the journey today. 
Recently I went to a bariatric support meeting with locals and did not feel very supported. I had intentions to discuss my troubles but found I was defending myself more. I am not sure if I will go again to another. I am extremely grateful I had a good friend there to help defend me because I was feeling frustrated. Ok so back to the topic at hand.
So I am still not getting in my protein or water, and am finding that my body is acting nasty towards me lately. I am getting nauseated and my stomach doesn't "like" the food I give it.
I admit I have fallen off the bandwagon of logging my food, but in part I felt like it was depressing me. I was not getting enough protein or water and felt like it was something else that my nutritionist would harp on. I feel like they just want to hear everything is going well, and when it isn't it seems like I get the response of "well you know you should do x" where x is the thing I am deficient in. 
So recently I have been considering my trend and most days I am still getting under 600 calories. In my research this is not what others are experiencing at my stage. When I asked about the group, they basically stated that I am early and I shouldn't be concerned.
I appreciate their insight, but I felt that I was not hearing what I wanted to hear. To be honest I did not know what I wanted to hear, but I think I wanted some sympathy and reassurance. I felt like my feeling were not validated and what I was thinking/feeling was redundant. Since said meeting, I have been wondering and even being more fearful about my future. 
I am afraid of losing too mich weight, I went on the scale today and lost 2.5lbs since yesterday. I don't think I am in the right state of kind to address these issues. If I cannot wrap my head around these issues, I will definitely seek out help.
One thing I am serious about this time is my dedication to do this right. I want to be healthy forever. I did not go through this radical surgery to end up healthy thin to only regain this all again.  I know people say this early out, but I am dead serious. I even stood my ground with my nutritionist when she tried to get me to do something I clearly would not want to do forever. I am not sure if I was not ready for that addition or the thought was so unappealing that I immediately dismissed it.  I am realizing however that what she recommends is always in my mind.
The big things here, are that I know I am struggling with intake.  This has nothing to do with time or with lack of energy. I have time and I set time aside for my food and water. I am struggling with the physical restriction and side effects. I am able to drink 64oz of water a day, but it makes my stomach feel crappy.  I don't want to do something that makes me feel horrible. Does that make sense?
So my goal for now is to speak with guru jon, my mentor and trainer, and seek his advice. I trust Jon and never feel judged by him.
So until then, rant over.

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